What does “connecting with yourself” really mean?
Why it’s important for meaningful relationships and 3 simple practices to help you experience it
In love and connection, what you experience with others reflects how deeply you’re connected to your authentic self.
The biggest misunderstanding we are taught is that we need someone else to love and accept us to feel better about ourselves.
This isn’t how it actually works, it works the other way round. According to the law of attraction like attracts like, so others can only love you to the same degree that you love yourself.
Relationships are mirrors
Meaning our relationships are a reflection of what we feel inside on the outside.
Let me explain.
We get the love we think we deserve, meaning if you have a negative self image and are really judgmental and hard on yourself on the inside - you attract relationships and situations that mirror that on the outside.
You might attract a boss or partner that is judgmental or makes you feel unimportant.
So if you might be thinking this is a hopeless situation because you just can’t seem to break the pattern of being so hard on yourself. Then you even judge yourself for not stopping to judge yourself and so the cycle continues.
Lets understand first what ‘the self’ is and how to relate to it differently.
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We we born connected to the wise, open, loving self
When we are born we all start out knowing we are worthy whole, complete and nothing is wrong with us. That we’re not broken.
All of us have an authentic self, it doesn’t need to heal, grow or evolve. It’s the part of us that‘s already wise, loving, compassionate and grounded.
This self is curious, calm, brave, centered, at one with nature, the universe and others.
This isn’t a new concept. Across cultures and traditions, for thousands of years, people have spoken about an inner essence - something steady, compassionate, and untouched beneath our experiences.
For example in Buddhism, it’s often called Buddha-nature. In Christianity, it may be referred to as the soul or true Self. Different traditions use different language, but they are often pointing to the same inner experience.
See we don’t have to learn to love ourselves, learn to feel worthy or learn to feel whole. We were born knowing that.
It’s really a process of remembering and coming home to what’s already there.
Then things happens that disconnects us from the self
Things happen to us, we get hurt, shamed or experience neglect or traumatic events.
Like parents getting divorced, you get bullied, there’s an illness, we lose someone, we overhear things, we get scared or someone leaves.
We then start to tell ourselves a story on how life works, we form limiting beliefs about who we need to be to fit in, be safe and be loved.
The things that happened to you - the words spoken (or left unspoken), the love you received (or didn’t receive), the boundaries that were honoured (or crossed) - all left imprints that shaped how you came to understand your worth, your place in the world, and what it takes to be safe.
Maybe you created a story that because my father left men can’t be trusted or I’m not worthy of love.
Or if you were bullied at school you created a story that no one likes you or that you don’t belong.
We then forget our true nature.
When difficult or painful things happen, children don’t yet have the maturity to make sense of them. Our world is small, and we see ourselves at the centre of it.
So when hard or painful experiences happen, you internalise them as your fault: “This must be happening because something is wrong with me.”
A parent’s anger, a friend’s rejection, or a teacher’s criticism gets turned into internalised shame that we are unlovable, not good enough, or somehow broken.
Shame is one of the heaviest emotions we carry.
Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame says “I am bad.”
“If I were different — better, quieter, prettier, smarter — this wouldn’t be happening.”
Protective Parts form to step in and guard those vulnerable parts of us
Shame is heavy, but it doesn’t just sit inside of us — it shapes how we show up in the world.
Most of us don’t walk around openly saying, “I feel unworthy.” Instead, we learn to cover it.
We build strategies to keep others from seeing the parts of ourselves we believe are unlovable.
We also develop protective parts or survival strategies that block us from feeling that pain again and to stop us from taking risks like a fierce inner critic, people pleasing or being the strong one that holds everyone else together.
These inner protective parts outwardly show up as masks we wear to protect ourselves.
Some of the most common masks women wear include (and many others not listed):
The Martyr — feeling like a victim to life, staying small, powerless, or self-sacrificing.
The People Pleaser — saying yes when you mean no, keeping the peace at any cost.
The Perfectionist — chasing flawless standards and tying your worth to achievement or appearance.
The Busy Doer — filling every moment to avoid slowing down or feeling.
The Strong One — burying emotions, putting on a brave face, and never showing vulnerability.
The Saviour — fixing, rescuing, or carrying others’ burdens, often at your own expense.
The Overachiever — pushing harder and harder, fuelled by the need for validation.
The Hyper-Independent — rejecting help, over-controlling, and believing “I don’t need anyone.”
And if that doesn’t work we can create coping strategies or firefighter parts that step in to numb us out or even leave the body altogether like - addictions, watching endless tv, social media doomscrolling, overeating or even self harm.
I felt like I had to grow up too quickly and like it was up to me to hold everything together. I learned to become what was needed - pleasing others, not needing anyone, being the one who could cope. At the same time, I felt like I had to take care of myself, and often others too.
These parts helped me in many ways. They pushed me to achieve, to succeed in my career, and to build a life that looked like I had it all together on the outside. I was exellent at being there for others. I became intelligent, assertive, and a go-getter.
But underneath that, I kept my heart locked away. I didn’t know how to let people truly see me, or have real intimacy. And on some level people can feel that you aren’t sharing your true feelings. That you’re withholding.
I struggled for a long time in relationships, especially romantic ones. There was a longing for connection, but also a deep fear of being hurt, or of losing myself.
It wasn’t until I started to untangle some of patterns I had to learn to survive and reconnected with myself - that something began to shift.
Little by little, I was able to soften, to open, and attract a different kind of relationship.
So how do you come home to your true self?
So many women feel like they’ve “lost themselves.”
The truth is, you never really lost who you are — you only buried it under layers of protection, masks, and coping strategies.
You don’t need to find yourself because you were never missing.
The work is to remember, to peel back the stories and beliefs that are not yours, and to come home to the wholeness that has always been there.
The first step is to recognise that those protective parts are exactly that. They served a purpose.
However misguided their intentions are to help you and keep you safe.
If you can see that they formed because of things happening to you. Maybe things that you couldn’t control or stop at the time. And where possibly even punished for if you tried to stop it.
For example having a dad that was angry and lashed out. You may adopt pleasing people as an attempt to be good or pleasing all the time so that you are not at risk of coming under fire.
Starting to recognise these parts and separating them apart can help you can start to have compassion for them.
Because judging them and shaming them will only make them louder and makes them dig their heels in or sabotage you even more.
What can be helpful is to know that these protectors are usually as young as the parts they are trying to protect. They’re frozen in time and ill-equipped to handle the burdens they carry, so their attempts to help can be counterproductive.
Below are 3 simple practices you can do to connect with your “Self”:
Slow down and gently turn toward what’s happening inside, something shifts.
Instead of being caught up in the feeling, see if can you begin to notice it.
This creates a little space and in that space, a calmer, more grounded version of you can come forward.
The practices below can help you make that shift, so you can feel more steady, clear, and connected to yourself.
1. Notice the protector
Pause and check in with yourself. What’s present right now?
See if you can locate it in your body—tightness, heaviness, restlessness.
Just notice it, without trying to change anything.
2. Get curious, not judgmental
Gently turn toward what you’re feeling.
Instead of pushing it away or judging it, ask:
What are you trying to do for me?
What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?
3. Unblend and create space
Create a little distance from the feeling.
Instead of I am anxious, try A part of me feels anxious.
This small shift helps you feel more grounded, and allows a calmer, more centred part of you to come forward.
This small shift helps you feel more grounded, and allows a calmer, more centred part of you to come forward.
I would love to hear from you. Let me know in the comments what this brings up for you?
If You’re Ready for more Support
But while this inner work begins within you, healing is often deepened in connection with others.
If you’ve been hurt in relating, it can be powerful to experience something different - having someone hold space for you to experience relating that feels safe, intentional, and supportive.
A space where there are no expectations.
No need to perform.
Nothing about you needs to be edited or held back.
Not everyone has someone in their life who can hold that kind of space—where you feel fully seen and accepted.
But when you do, it can be deeply healing. I know this from personal experience—my own healing would have been much harder without it.
A space where someone can gently guide you back to yourself.
If this resonates, and you feel ready for support, you don’t have to do it alone.
This is the space I hold in my work, and I’d be honoured to walk alongside you.